The Absurd Plan:
Luckily the plan is absurdly simple. Plant a freaking ton of trees!
After that…the details.
April 22, 2022; because it is spring and a good time to plant trees. As it turns out, it happens to be earth day too, but that is only mildly interesting for our purposes here. Why so far in the future?! Well, because as much as I would love to just will 400 Million trees into existence and planted, this might actually take a little bit of planning and logistics.
First of all, we have to get a bunch of Americans excited about this idea. Ideally I should be an internet influencer and then this would be easy. Unfortunately I am not such an influencer yet, so I’ll have to watch some “how to be an internet influencer,” on youtube. After that, smooth sailing! In the mean time, If you have friends on the internet… tell them about this. You know likes and links and stuff.
I know what you are second question is too, why should we plant 400 Million trees? Well, there are a lot of reasons… Obviously the number one reason is that we need more leaves to jump in in the fall! Second is of course because there are too many kites these days… and what better way to clear the sky of those damn kites but to plant that many trees!
After that, wouldn’t it be fun to be a part of the most trees planted on a single day ever in the existence of earth?!!?
There are a lot of countries out there that are really showing off their tree planting prowess. As I write this, the top single day planters are Ethiopia and India… with China planting more per year than anyone else. I have got to think the USA can be a contender in this… If tree planting were an olympic event, we just have to finish sharpening our hockey javelins and we’ve got this!
So… right now you are thinking, “great, I’ll go to home depot and get a tree and plant it on the 22nd of April and do my part." Well As lovely as that is, it honestly isn’t enough. For America to plant 400 Million trees in one day, we need to plant just a little more than one tree each. Unfortunately, not everyone will get to plant them that day so the rest of us have to take up the slack.
If only 1 out of every 10 American planted 12 seedlings… we would just about plant 400 Million Trees! That is pretty doable. Certainly easier than going to the moon or beating the nazies in WW2 and we already did that. This should be a cake walk!
So America… start cutting the tops off your beer cans and saving your empty yogurt containers. From now until planting day, we need all those window sills filled with dirt and collected acorns, maple helicopters, and baby pine trees! Sooner we start, the bigger they will be when we plant them.
(Also, if you have a commercial nursery, give me a call too.)